One Liners
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.
A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next visit to the loo could spell disaster.
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed.He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (AberdeenEvening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice
friendly chap, but when thecrocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evenings News)
Irishpolice are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description.
It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (TheGuardian)
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
You see I'm against hunting; in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I said "Did you get my drift?”
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it"; he said "Those are pickled onions".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?” I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said "How flexible are you?” I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
You see my next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?”
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'""That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions.
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins.
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? £3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.
What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.
What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have women and floor tiles got in common? If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry? Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What is the difference between a battery and a man? A battery has a positive side.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 10. Who has the biggest breasts? The blonde, because she's 18.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio:
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said.
"Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my goodness!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
METRO Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!
A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next visit to the loo could spell disaster.
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed.He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (AberdeenEvening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice
friendly chap, but when thecrocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evenings News)
Irishpolice are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description.
It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (TheGuardian)
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
You see I'm against hunting; in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I said "Did you get my drift?”
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it"; he said "Those are pickled onions".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?” I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said "How flexible are you?” I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
You see my next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?”
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'""That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions.
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins.
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? £3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.
What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.
What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have women and floor tiles got in common? If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry? Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What is the difference between a battery and a man? A battery has a positive side.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 10. Who has the biggest breasts? The blonde, because she's 18.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio:
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said.
"Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my goodness!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
METRO Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!
Beggar
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."
Zen Teachings
1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3.No one is listening until you fart.
4.Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5.Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6.If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the hydrant.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience .... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3.No one is listening until you fart.
4.Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5.Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6.If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the hydrant.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience .... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Women
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door.
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go
to the fridge.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions
Close the door.
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go
to the fridge.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions
The Essential Guide to Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
Backwards
What do you get when you play a Country & Western song backwards?
You get your wife back, your dog back, your truck back, your house back......
You get your wife back, your dog back, your truck back, your house back......
Questions
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON tv?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Subject: TESTING
How are you feeling today? Take the following test (5 easy questions), and determine if you are losing it or are
still "with it." The spaces are so you don't see the answers until you have made your own....
OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.
===========
1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is "bread."
If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your
brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat.
It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as
"Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.
3.
If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one
hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league.
Turn your pencil in and exit the room.
Everyone else proceed to the final question.
5. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an
alcoholic'?
6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes
out'?
13. What do people in China call their good plates?
14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
16. Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
17. What do you call male ballerinas?
18. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
19. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
20. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
23. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they
tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your ass??
27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks
his head out the window?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON tv?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Subject: TESTING
How are you feeling today? Take the following test (5 easy questions), and determine if you are losing it or are
still "with it." The spaces are so you don't see the answers until you have made your own....
OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.
===========
1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is "bread."
If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your
brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat.
It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as
"Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.
3.
If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one
hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league.
Turn your pencil in and exit the room.
Everyone else proceed to the final question.
5. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an
alcoholic'?
6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes
out'?
13. What do people in China call their good plates?
14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
16. Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
17. What do you call male ballerinas?
18. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
19. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
20. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
23. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they
tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your ass??
27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks
his head out the window?
More One Liners
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21
and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.
Although they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21
and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.
Although they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."
PARAPROSDOKIANS
Winston Churchill loved them.
They are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
And one more:
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
They are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
And one more:
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Church Bulletins
Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
The Fasting& Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you .
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help .
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Fasting& Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you .
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help .
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Labour politicians just abuse the privilege.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Labour politicians just abuse the privilege.