Irish
IRISH HUMOUR
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
======================================
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
========================================
AND THE BEST FOR LAST:
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."
"Bless me father-for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her"
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then? "
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slidesover to his seat and whispers "well...what'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads.”
A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nice bar, but where I come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's dis place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, den dey boy you your tird drink, and den, after all dat, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," says the Irish guy, "But it happened to me sister!"
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
======================================
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
========================================
AND THE BEST FOR LAST:
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."
"Bless me father-for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her"
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then? "
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slidesover to his seat and whispers "well...what'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads.”
A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nice bar, but where I come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's dis place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, den dey boy you your tird drink, and den, after all dat, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," says the Irish guy, "But it happened to me sister!"
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
Irish Technology
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years & came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, & shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the Irish Department of Agriculture reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet near Ballyhaunis, Co Mayo, Mick O'Connor, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely feck all.
Mick has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, & shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the Irish Department of Agriculture reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet near Ballyhaunis, Co Mayo, Mick O'Connor, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely feck all.
Mick has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."