Religion
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
Jesus
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar.
There was only one other person in the bar.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had
seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:
"My God! I know who that man is - its Jesus"!
The others looked again, and sure enough it was Jesus himself sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"?
Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head "yes I am Jesus" he says.
Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over a pint of Guinness from me."
The bartended pours Jesus a Guinness, Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out: "Oi You! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods his head and says "Yes I am Jesus".
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartended send over a pint of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure
The Scouser then calls out "Oi whack, would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says "Yes I am Jesus".
The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As
before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry
of amazement.
"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for 40 years is gone! It's a miracle!!!!"
Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.
Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock."by jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 10 years is completely gone - it's a miracle !!!!"
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says:
"Back off mate!I'm on disability!"
There was only one other person in the bar.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had
seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:
"My God! I know who that man is - its Jesus"!
The others looked again, and sure enough it was Jesus himself sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"?
Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head "yes I am Jesus" he says.
Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over a pint of Guinness from me."
The bartended pours Jesus a Guinness, Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out: "Oi You! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods his head and says "Yes I am Jesus".
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartended send over a pint of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure
The Scouser then calls out "Oi whack, would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says "Yes I am Jesus".
The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As
before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry
of amazement.
"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for 40 years is gone! It's a miracle!!!!"
Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.
Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock."by jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 10 years is completely gone - it's a miracle !!!!"
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says:
"Back off mate!I'm on disability!"
Confession
An 80 year old man hobbles into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11
grandchildren.
Last night I had an affair with two 18-year-old girls. I made love with both of them ...twice."
The priest said, "Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!? Then, why are you telling me?", asks the priest.
"Telling you?....I'm telling everybody", says the man.
grandchildren.
Last night I had an affair with two 18-year-old girls. I made love with both of them ...twice."
The priest said, "Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!? Then, why are you telling me?", asks the priest.
"Telling you?....I'm telling everybody", says the man.
Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him.
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing".
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible".
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship.
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank.......................our prayers have been answered"
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing".
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible".
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship.
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank.......................our prayers have been answered"