Sex & Marraige
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!!
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.
I woke up this morning at 8.00 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.
Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.
The wife's back on the warpath again, she was up for making a home movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.
I woke up this morning at 8.00 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.
Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.
The wife's back on the warpath again, she was up for making a home movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
Confession
An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cristo went to the local church for confession.
He said: "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours."
The priest said: "By doing that you were both in great danger. However two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" said the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
He said: "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours."
The priest said: "By doing that you were both in great danger. However two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" said the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Coma
A woman is in a coma. The Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened,
telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try!!
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there, and says, "I think she choked!!"
telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try!!
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there, and says, "I think she choked!!"
THE FIRST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her
house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep
and didn't wake up until 8:00 p.m."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*stard! You've been playing golf!!"
house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep
and didn't wake up until 8:00 p.m."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*stard! You've been playing golf!!"
THE SECOND AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for
the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he
had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!
the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he
had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!
THE THIRD AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off the be buried or
cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwartz is dead!"
cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwartz is dead!"
THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 pence."
"ONE PENCE?" exclaimed the man.
The barman replied "Yes".
So the man glances over at the menu and asks:"Could I have a nice juicey T- bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 pence" he replied.
"FOUR PENCE?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"
"Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 pence."
"ONE PENCE?" exclaimed the man.
The barman replied "Yes".
So the man glances over at the menu and asks:"Could I have a nice juicey T- bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 pence" he replied.
"FOUR PENCE?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"
THE FIFTH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down
her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky, my darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess."
"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky, my darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess."
"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
Dinner.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make Love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3 pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.
"I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the Pharmacist. "I intend to have sex with her all night long."
The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet
my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist"
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3 pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.
"I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the Pharmacist. "I intend to have sex with her all night long."
The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet
my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist"
Child Support Agency Forms
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerts from the forms.
01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the
identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney, maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier
in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the
identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney, maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier
in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Two Women
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands and get leathered.
Staggering on their way home they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a
cemetery, so they both ducked inside to relieve themselves.
After they'd finished the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and then threw them away, The other woman realising
she was wearing some very expensive knickers didn't want to throw hers away so she looked around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearby wreath.
So now feeling a lot better they carried on with their stagger home.
The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "I think we need to
start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon they're up to no good.My wife came home without any knickers on."
The other one replies, "Tell me about it. If you think that's bad, my wife came home with a card stuck to her that read - 'We will never forget you'.
Staggering on their way home they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a
cemetery, so they both ducked inside to relieve themselves.
After they'd finished the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and then threw them away, The other woman realising
she was wearing some very expensive knickers didn't want to throw hers away so she looked around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearby wreath.
So now feeling a lot better they carried on with their stagger home.
The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "I think we need to
start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon they're up to no good.My wife came home without any knickers on."
The other one replies, "Tell me about it. If you think that's bad, my wife came home with a card stuck to her that read - 'We will never forget you'.
Winter Lovin'
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some
wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" Again
she says, "Well, put them between my thighs and warm them up again." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once
again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing."
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" Again
she says, "Well, put them between my thighs and warm them up again." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once
again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing."
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
007
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just been given this state-of-the-art watch (by Q) and I was just testing it.
"The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so Special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch and says "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just been given this state-of-the-art watch (by Q) and I was just testing it.
"The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so Special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch and says "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Fly Swatter
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
The Mule
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night , she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He tried to plough a lot.
One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would
approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the
men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would
approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the
men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Childbirth
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was
probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the milkman was dead on the porch.
They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was
probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the milkman was dead on the porch.
Funeral
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.
" A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.
" A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
Kuwait
TV anchorwoman Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted that women customarily walked a few feet behind their husbands.
In a follow-up story, she returned to Kuwait recently and observed that men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Kuwaiti women and said, "This is marvelous! Can you tell the free world just what it was that
enabled women here to achieve this total reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," replied the woman.
In a follow-up story, she returned to Kuwait recently and observed that men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Kuwaiti women and said, "This is marvelous! Can you tell the free world just what it was that
enabled women here to achieve this total reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," replied the woman.
Prayers
Female Prayer
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong, one who loves to listen
long. One who thinks before he speaks, when he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind. Know what to answer to "How big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, and never attempt to hit on my friend. And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead. Amen.
Male Prayer
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a off licence
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong, one who loves to listen
long. One who thinks before he speaks, when he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind. Know what to answer to "How big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, and never attempt to hit on my friend. And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead. Amen.
Male Prayer
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a off licence
Geography
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa.
Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France.
Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by pastmistakes and massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia. Very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no-one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa.
Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France.
Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by pastmistakes and massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia. Very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no-one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
Teacher
A chap is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand
and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't quite place where he
might know her from.
So he turns to her and says, "Sorry, but do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I do believe that you're the father of one of my children!"
Nervously, his mind races back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.
"Oh my god!" He exclaims. "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I had sex with on the snooker table in front of all
my mates, whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery !?"
"No!". She replies coldly. "I'm your sons' English Teacher"...
and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't quite place where he
might know her from.
So he turns to her and says, "Sorry, but do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I do believe that you're the father of one of my children!"
Nervously, his mind races back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.
"Oh my god!" He exclaims. "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I had sex with on the snooker table in front of all
my mates, whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery !?"
"No!". She replies coldly. "I'm your sons' English Teacher"...
Men
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bin, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night. (God how true!)
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bin, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night. (God how true!)
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
THE GUY THINGS
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Wanting
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling
on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling
on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Male Rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are 'OUR' rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
The Test
I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every
way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable. One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went.
She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once..
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable. One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went.
She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once..
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Aspirin
A guy is out with his buddies - has a few drinks - is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.
He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear"
He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear"
Where's my Wife?
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"
Impress
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her,
hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked. Bring food.
Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her,
hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked. Bring food.
Test Results
A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results.
Mr Smith : "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist : "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."
Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer onsumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (as hops contain phyto-oestrogens) and drinking it may turn men into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each to drink within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologize when obviously wrong, and had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary
Mr Smith : "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist : "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."
Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer onsumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (as hops contain phyto-oestrogens) and drinking it may turn men into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each to drink within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologize when obviously wrong, and had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary
Fifty Shades of Grey
A husbands view
The missus bought a Paperback ...down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look inside her bag; T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread…..
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse; she toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said.....I am the dominater!!
Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of Grey. :
The missus bought a Paperback ...down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look inside her bag; T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread…..
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse; she toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said.....I am the dominater!!
Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of Grey. :