A Selection
Abu Hamza is being deported to the States.
It's been a long time since the Americans have been excited about a Muslim flying towards them.
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the man replied, 'I know the guy.'
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth out.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for the last 51 years.
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay'.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.
Although they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to
get another man of the same calibre."
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Just booked a table for our wedding anniversary for me and my wife.
Bound to end in tears though - she's not much good at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
Gosh, I do love my new Taser.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch salmonella from tins of ham then delete it, it's Spam.
The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops.
Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers they deserve it.
When I was young, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head.
Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
The local shop ran out of milk again, fortunately my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty on her doorstep.
A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris CDG airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her
eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a crap."
Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
“Sod that” says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says "How do you know?"
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
The wife was counting all the 1ps and 2ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a
woman.
What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing.
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker
could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked".
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Marriage is like a pack of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, by the end you'll wish you had a club and spade.
Two babies in pushchairs are in the park and one says to the other, I'm a little baby girl, what are you?
And the other baby replies, I'm a little boy baby. So the little girl baby asks, how do you know?
So the little boy baby pulls back his blanket and says, look....................blue socks.
I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.
She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."
I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.
Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month!!
Time to change supplier I think.
Dave asked his doctor if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years l haven't, l do my best to remain professional".
With that Dave dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest willy the Doctor had ever seen. It was no bigger than an AAA battery.
Doc bursts out into uncontrollable laughter, wipes away his tears and says "I'm sorry, I really am, it won't happen again.
Now how can l help you ?
Dave says "It's swollen"
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
It is a common misconception that onions are the only vegetable that make your eyes water. A turnip in the face works as well.
There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
I said "Come in and sit down." "Now what do you want to talk about"?
He said, " Buggered if I know...... I've never got this far before"
Middle age is when you realise your children and your clothes are about the same age.
It's been a long time since the Americans have been excited about a Muslim flying towards them.
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the man replied, 'I know the guy.'
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth out.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for the last 51 years.
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay'.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.
Although they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to
get another man of the same calibre."
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Just booked a table for our wedding anniversary for me and my wife.
Bound to end in tears though - she's not much good at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
Gosh, I do love my new Taser.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch salmonella from tins of ham then delete it, it's Spam.
The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops.
Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers they deserve it.
When I was young, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head.
Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
The local shop ran out of milk again, fortunately my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty on her doorstep.
A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris CDG airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her
eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a crap."
Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
“Sod that” says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says "How do you know?"
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
The wife was counting all the 1ps and 2ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a
woman.
What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing.
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker
could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked".
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Marriage is like a pack of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, by the end you'll wish you had a club and spade.
Two babies in pushchairs are in the park and one says to the other, I'm a little baby girl, what are you?
And the other baby replies, I'm a little boy baby. So the little girl baby asks, how do you know?
So the little boy baby pulls back his blanket and says, look....................blue socks.
I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.
She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."
I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.
Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month!!
Time to change supplier I think.
Dave asked his doctor if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years l haven't, l do my best to remain professional".
With that Dave dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest willy the Doctor had ever seen. It was no bigger than an AAA battery.
Doc bursts out into uncontrollable laughter, wipes away his tears and says "I'm sorry, I really am, it won't happen again.
Now how can l help you ?
Dave says "It's swollen"
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
It is a common misconception that onions are the only vegetable that make your eyes water. A turnip in the face works as well.
There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
I said "Come in and sit down." "Now what do you want to talk about"?
He said, " Buggered if I know...... I've never got this far before"
Middle age is when you realise your children and your clothes are about the same age.
Airplane
An airplane was going down & everybody knew they would crash in the ocean below.
The rich lady takes off all of her clothes and puts on every diamond she has, on her body!
The passengers all look at her and say, "What are you doing?"
She says "When we are in the ocean my diamonds will sparkle and I will be the first one they find!"
Then another woman takes off all her clothes and covers herself with $100 dollar bills!
The passengers all look at her, and she says, "When we are in the ocean the $100 dollar bills will be floating all around me
and they will find me first!!
Then a Black lady tears off all her clothes and gets butt naked !!!
All the passengers look at her and ask, "What are you doing?"
The black lady says..."GIRL, you know they always look for the black box first!!!
The rich lady takes off all of her clothes and puts on every diamond she has, on her body!
The passengers all look at her and say, "What are you doing?"
She says "When we are in the ocean my diamonds will sparkle and I will be the first one they find!"
Then another woman takes off all her clothes and covers herself with $100 dollar bills!
The passengers all look at her, and she says, "When we are in the ocean the $100 dollar bills will be floating all around me
and they will find me first!!
Then a Black lady tears off all her clothes and gets butt naked !!!
All the passengers look at her and ask, "What are you doing?"
The black lady says..."GIRL, you know they always look for the black box first!!!
Sweet
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with
little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was", says Smartie, "but those Lockets are f**king menthol!"
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with
little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was", says Smartie, "but those Lockets are f**king menthol!"
CASH POINT MACHINES:
Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "Drive-Thru" cash point machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash
without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up.
Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. Male or Female) and remember them for when you
use the machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine
2 Wind down your car window
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
6 Turn the radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make-up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Smell burning? Release handbrake
without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up.
Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. Male or Female) and remember them for when you
use the machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine
2 Wind down your car window
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
6 Turn the radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make-up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Smell burning? Release handbrake
Children
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she
left the room, she heard her-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from
a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it
about?"he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something
and ask what color it was.
She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying
sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure some of these out for yourself!"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone
could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under
the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted
Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad it was the 20,000 leaks!"
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he
advised. "Mine says I'm four."
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family
returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus's head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it" the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He showed up!"
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said,
"And how old would you be if you let go?"
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew,
the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she
left the room, she heard her-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from
a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it
about?"he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something
and ask what color it was.
She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying
sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure some of these out for yourself!"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone
could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under
the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted
Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad it was the 20,000 leaks!"
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he
advised. "Mine says I'm four."
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family
returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus's head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it" the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He showed up!"
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said,
"And how old would you be if you let go?"
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew,
the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."
Liverpool
A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl,
"It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"
A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman..
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan'.
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on
their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'you’re bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl,
"It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"
A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman..
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan'.
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on
their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'you’re bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
Olympics
I see the Romanians have taken Gold, Silver and Bronze.............. and copper and lead, and any other metal they can get their thieving hands on!!
-----------------------------------
The Sailing results are in.
Great Britain took the Gold, USA took the Silver, Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
-----------------------------------------------------
I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the athletics, but then if they could run, they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.
-------------------------------------------------------
My mate asked me, "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"
After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer. "Chinese," I replied.
-------------------------------------------------------
Of course Team Great Britain ladies won the rowing... it's the same basic movement as ironing!
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40
The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like another Friday night in Brixton. You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!
-----------------------------------
The Sailing results are in.
Great Britain took the Gold, USA took the Silver, Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
-----------------------------------------------------
I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the athletics, but then if they could run, they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.
-------------------------------------------------------
My mate asked me, "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"
After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer. "Chinese," I replied.
-------------------------------------------------------
Of course Team Great Britain ladies won the rowing... it's the same basic movement as ironing!
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40
The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like another Friday night in Brixton. You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!
Take the words back...
Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who
do....
1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked
if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able
to grabhold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store
apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
7. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too
they were laughing so hard!
do....
1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked
if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able
to grabhold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store
apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
7. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too
they were laughing so hard!
Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary clinic for surgery.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might
just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador
Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£1500!", she cried, "£1500 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £50, but.................what with the Lab
Report and the Cat Scan......."
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might
just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador
Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£1500!", she cried, "£1500 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £50, but.................what with the Lab
Report and the Cat Scan......."