Offensive Jokes
A
man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the
interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability
test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then,
sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take
this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug
dealers, six terrorists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Got a new dog today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?"
"I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."
Mr Patel said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away."
"Look sir, you're holding up the queue.
Do you want the newspaper or not?!"
A Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.
Two Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both are now in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!
The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they
start finding the dead ones.
A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling on Ahmed."
There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are
devastated.
Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had
told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.
Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland,
following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!"
The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second; we don't go down past my
mother's house!"
My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time.
"Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says,
"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"
The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.
I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy bastards!
Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Got a new dog today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?"
"I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."
Mr Patel said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away."
"Look sir, you're holding up the queue.
Do you want the newspaper or not?!"
A Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.
Two Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both are now in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!
The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they
start finding the dead ones.
A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling on Ahmed."
There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are
devastated.
Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had
told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.
Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland,
following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!"
The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second; we don't go down past my
mother's house!"
My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time.
"Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says,
"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"
The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.
I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy bastards!
Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!
NEWS FLASH
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Albania this morning.
350,000 Albanians are missing, and over a million have been reported injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help ...
The rest of the world is in shock:
Canada is sending troops to assist the country.
The USA is sending food, medical aid and money.
The UK is sending 135,000 replacement Albanians.
350,000 Albanians are missing, and over a million have been reported injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help ...
The rest of the world is in shock:
Canada is sending troops to assist the country.
The USA is sending food, medical aid and money.
The UK is sending 135,000 replacement Albanians.
Bar
President Bush and Prime Minister Blair are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Blair sitting
over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big t*ts.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big t*ts? Why kill a blonde with big t*ts?"
Blair turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big t*ts.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big t*ts? Why kill a blonde with big t*ts?"
Blair turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for Birmingham Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.
Asian minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is now being shown 5 times a week.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists.
The vast majority are drug dealers and rapists.
Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles every day for food & 10 miles every day for medicine for him & his family.
This is because the daft bastard and all his mates torched the Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast.
Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
I sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
I just 'fostered' a Muslim. All 3 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
They've had to cancel the pantomime show 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Bristol, Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London:
Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabbouleh and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,'' she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching
for the right words, says . . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for Birmingham Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.
Asian minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is now being shown 5 times a week.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists.
The vast majority are drug dealers and rapists.
Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles every day for food & 10 miles every day for medicine for him & his family.
This is because the daft bastard and all his mates torched the Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast.
Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
I sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
I just 'fostered' a Muslim. All 3 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
They've had to cancel the pantomime show 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Bristol, Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London:
Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabbouleh and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,'' she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching
for the right words, says . . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Savile
The BBC made Jimmy Savile wear all that jewelry so kids could hear him coming, the same way you'd put a bell on a cat.
The BBC News channel just displayed images of three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture of each of them taken in the 1970s.
The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.
Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancée and she has said she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years together.
Got my Halloween costume sorted, I'm gonna wear a blonde wig, tracksuit, Gold chains & a cigar, that should scare the little
buggers.
The BBC News channel just displayed images of three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture of each of them taken in the 1970s.
The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.
Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancée and she has said she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years together.
Got my Halloween costume sorted, I'm gonna wear a blonde wig, tracksuit, Gold chains & a cigar, that should scare the little
buggers.
Announcement
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two
more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend", and "The Barbie is cancelled."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two
more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend", and "The Barbie is cancelled."
Asylum
Let me see if I've got this right…
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE THAI BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DEPORTED AFTER A SPELL IN THE MONKEY HOUSE.
IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY; YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL INSURANCE CARD, MONEY FROM SOCIAL SECURITY, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE.
This is so true... .
Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of . .
'ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER and win A COUNCIL HOUSE !
We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,
The British Taxpayer.....
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British passport and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging, burgling and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Euro star.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted, where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their £200-a-night rooms in the four star Hilton
Hotel... They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ......
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.
If you don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience. ... .
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help - for FREE!
It won't cost you a penny. And . .. ..It could change your life forever.
So play today.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...the list is endless
EVERYONE IS WELCOME - INCLUDING ALL YOUR WIVES AND CHILDREN
COME ON DOWN !
Get along to the airport!
Get along to the lorry park!
Get along to the ferry terminal!
Don't stop in Germany or France! All European countries will willingly speed you on your way!
Come straight to Britain
And you are:
**** GUARANTEED ****
to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth..
Everyone's a winner, when they play
'ASYLUM'
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE THAI BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DEPORTED AFTER A SPELL IN THE MONKEY HOUSE.
IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY; YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL INSURANCE CARD, MONEY FROM SOCIAL SECURITY, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE.
This is so true... .
Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of . .
'ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER and win A COUNCIL HOUSE !
We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,
The British Taxpayer.....
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British passport and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging, burgling and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Euro star.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted, where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their £200-a-night rooms in the four star Hilton
Hotel... They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ......
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.
If you don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience. ... .
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help - for FREE!
It won't cost you a penny. And . .. ..It could change your life forever.
So play today.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...the list is endless
EVERYONE IS WELCOME - INCLUDING ALL YOUR WIVES AND CHILDREN
COME ON DOWN !
Get along to the airport!
Get along to the lorry park!
Get along to the ferry terminal!
Don't stop in Germany or France! All European countries will willingly speed you on your way!
Come straight to Britain
And you are:
**** GUARANTEED ****
to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth..
Everyone's a winner, when they play
'ASYLUM'