Offensive Jokes
WARNING! Do not read any further if you are offended by racist or sexist jokes. These are reproduced here as an example of how life in England used to be. The webmaster only reproduces these words as an example of how politically incorrect life was in the past, and does not condone racist behaviour in any form, and is pleased this sort of content is a thing of the past, and the following is for historical record only. It is good to now live in a society where racist and sexist humour and free speech are no longer tolerated.
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six terrorists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?"
"I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."
Mr Patel said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away."
"Look sir, you're holding up the queue.
Do you want the newspaper or not?!"
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.
Two Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both are now in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!
Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland,
following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!"
The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second; we don't go down past my
mother's house!"
My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time.
"Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says,
"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"
The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.
I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy bastards!
Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six terrorists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?"
"I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."
Mr Patel said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away."
"Look sir, you're holding up the queue.
Do you want the newspaper or not?!"
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.
Two Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both are now in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!
Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland,
following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!"
The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second; we don't go down past my
mother's house!"
My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time.
"Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says,
"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"
The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.
I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy bastards!
Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!
NEWS FLASH
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Albania this morning.
350,000 Albanians are missing, and over a million have been reported injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help ...
The rest of the world is in shock:
Canada is sending troops to assist the country.
The USA is sending food, medical aid and money.
The UK is sending 135,000 replacement Albanians.
350,000 Albanians are missing, and over a million have been reported injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help ...
The rest of the world is in shock:
Canada is sending troops to assist the country.
The USA is sending food, medical aid and money.
The UK is sending 135,000 replacement Albanians.
Bar
President Bush and Prime Minister Blair are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Blair sitting
over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big t*ts.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big t*ts? Why kill a blonde with big t*ts?"
Blair turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big t*ts.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big t*ts? Why kill a blonde with big t*ts?"
Blair turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Announcement
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two
more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend", and "The Barbie is cancelled."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two
more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend", and "The Barbie is cancelled."