Growing Old
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in
my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now, I think I know where my hearing aid is."
When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that
he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea!"
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so, of course, I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be
better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was!
An elderly couple were on a cruise, and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the
moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three
weeks went by, and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was
a pearl worth $50,000 . . . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap."
A funeral service was being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers were carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan, and opened the casket, and found out that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers were again carrying the casket. As they carried the casket toward the door, the husband cried out, "Watch that wall!"
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and
makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for
half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a
long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in
my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now, I think I know where my hearing aid is."
When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that
he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea!"
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so, of course, I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be
better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was!
An elderly couple were on a cruise, and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the
moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three
weeks went by, and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was
a pearl worth $50,000 . . . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap."
A funeral service was being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers were carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan, and opened the casket, and found out that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers were again carrying the casket. As they carried the casket toward the door, the husband cried out, "Watch that wall!"
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and
makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for
half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a
long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Old Age
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, barking dogs, politicians and a few
other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
* * * * *
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
* * * * *
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home
is it?"
* * * * *
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees.
Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!
* * * * *
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.
"That's why I want it lowered!"
***********
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart.
"Walmart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Walmart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, barking dogs, politicians and a few
other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
* * * * *
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
* * * * *
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home
is it?"
* * * * *
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees.
Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!
* * * * *
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.
"That's why I want it lowered!"
***********
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart.
"Walmart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Walmart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week
A Woman Should ...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
...one old love she can imagine going back to.... and one who reminds her how far she has come...
...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs
to...
..something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
..a youth she's content to leave behind...
..a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...
set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
..a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
..eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored..
..a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
..how to fall in love without losing herself...
..how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...
..when to try harder... and when to walk away...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...
..that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
.what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
.how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
..whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
...where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs
soothing...
..what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...
...one old love she can imagine going back to.... and one who reminds her how far she has come...
...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs
to...
..something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
..a youth she's content to leave behind...
..a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...
set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
..a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
..eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored..
..a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
..how to fall in love without losing herself...
..how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...
..when to try harder... and when to walk away...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...
..that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
.what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
.how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
..whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
...where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs
soothing...
..what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Life Explained
So you've wondered your entire life about this....
All those dogged questions, and now...Finally...An answer cometh!
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the
other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too,
okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy and enjoy. I'll give you
twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave
in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.
All those dogged questions, and now...Finally...An answer cometh!
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the
other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too,
okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy and enjoy. I'll give you
twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave
in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
An elderly gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment
to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband
could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"Darn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband
could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"Darn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
Dear Lord
Dear Lord, so far today, I am doing all right.
I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, nasty, grumpy, selfish or self-indulgent. I have not whined, cursed or eaten any chocolate. I have not put anything on my credit card.
However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes and I will need a lot more help after that.
Amen.
I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, nasty, grumpy, selfish or self-indulgent. I have not whined, cursed or eaten any chocolate. I have not put anything on my credit card.
However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes and I will need a lot more help after that.
Amen.
Ethel
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened, and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm out stretched. "STOP" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit kat wrapper and held it up to him. "Okay" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! have you got proof of insurance"? Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "carry on, ma:am".
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very
sizeable erection in his hand.
"Oh, Good grief", said Ethel, "not the breathalyser again".
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened, and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm out stretched. "STOP" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit kat wrapper and held it up to him. "Okay" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! have you got proof of insurance"? Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "carry on, ma:am".
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very
sizeable erection in his hand.
"Oh, Good grief", said Ethel, "not the breathalyser again".
Letter to God!
There was this fellow who worked for The Post Office, whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.
He thought, "Better open this one and see what it's all about."
So he opened it and read:
"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Easter, and I have invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Mary Ethel”
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to his co-workers. Each of them dug into their wallet and
came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.
Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read,
"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner
for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at The Post Office.
Sincerely,
Mary Ethel”
One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.
He thought, "Better open this one and see what it's all about."
So he opened it and read:
"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Easter, and I have invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Mary Ethel”
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to his co-workers. Each of them dug into their wallet and
came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.
Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read,
"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner
for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at The Post Office.
Sincerely,
Mary Ethel”