Blonde
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's f***ing hundreds of them!"
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. “Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says.
"Your finger is broken."
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's f***ing hundreds of them!"
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. “Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says.
"Your finger is broken."
Another Blonde
WANTED FOR AT TEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick
up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the
back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in
for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough
hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but
quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick
up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the
back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in
for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough
hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but
quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
God
A blond finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask GOD for help.
She begins to pray... "GOD, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
She again prays.... "GOD!!, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again she prays... "My GOD, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car . My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blond is overwhelmed by the Voice of GOD Himself.....
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this......... Buy a ticket"
She begins to pray... "GOD, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
She again prays.... "GOD!!, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again she prays... "My GOD, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car . My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blond is overwhelmed by the Voice of GOD Himself.....
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this......... Buy a ticket"
Melbourne
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits
down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an
economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat
in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an
economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat
in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
BMW
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's
idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
Exposure
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,
"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
River Walk
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how
can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river. She then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river. She then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
Knitting
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULLOVER!"
“NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULLOVER!"
“NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid you know, we're going at night!
The Russian said "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid you know, we're going at night!
Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license
and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license
and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
The Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Horses
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one
horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire
fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2
inches taller than the black one.
horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire
fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2
inches taller than the black one.
Parking
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the
door open, But they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain, and the top is down."
door open, But they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain, and the top is down."
Handy Woman
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Getting Off Work Early
A BRUNETTE, A REDHEAD & A BLONDE all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss
left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?
The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her
dinner date. The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS. Ever so
gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was
coming with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"
left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?
The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her
dinner date. The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS. Ever so
gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was
coming with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"
Essex
Paramedics called to a car wreck in Essex involving a yellow Ford Capri find the driver is a blonde girl about 19 years old trapped
behind the wheel. The first paramedic asks the girl gently "Where are you bleeding from?" and she replies "Romford"
behind the wheel. The first paramedic asks the girl gently "Where are you bleeding from?" and she replies "Romford"